November 29, 2011

He waited until after his birthday on Nov. 19th, he waited for Thanksgiving and waited until the 27th of November which was our forty seventh anniversary. He endured the pain until November 29th at 12:30pm and went to be with his brother, sister and mother.

He was my life and my love and I will miss him as long as I live. He was the most wonderful husband, father and grandfather. I know I will see him again one day. But for now I am lost without him.

We are Thankful

This is a sample of the family pictures we had taken on Mike's Birthday. They were taken across the street from our house. I love the background, the sagebrush, weeds, mountains and fence. I can't wait to see the rest of the them. It was really cold and Mike left his Yankee coat on. I was hard on him to go across the street and with the cold he was really worn out.

Thanksgiving

I have the best cooks anywhere I'm sure. Everyone pitched in and helped with the meal. Michelle's home was so pretty and her cute flower arrangements looked so festive. She used red and green peppers and acorn squash as vases and filled them with flowers. Mike and I didn't go up until it was time to eat. Even then Mike couldn't eat and I took him home right after dinner. He went down hill from there and started throwing up about 2:00am. He was sick all day Friday and couldn't eat. I was afraid he had another bowel obstruction on top of everything else. Hospice came and gave him a huge shot of Halidol in his IV. He finally slept and eventually quit throwing up and the obstruction resolved itself. Today he felt much better and slept a good four hours. I know he needed it, he was so exhausted from the night and day before. He ate a little today. It's pretty hard for me to eat when he eats so little. He weighs next to nothing.

Christmas Decorating

Michelle and Marrit brought in the branch yesterday that Shawn had cut for me. Michelle got most of the lights on it. Marrit finished it today. She got it decorated and then proceeded to decorate the rest of the house. We look like we're ready even if I anot but I love it. I've never had a tree up this early. Mike always wanted to wait until two weeks before Christmas. I am decorated inside and out, so fun and I know Mike will enjoy looking at the lights. Kirt did the outside lights and fixed them so they are on timers. I feel so spoiled no having to run out and turn off the light. Bless all my children they have done so much for us.

Thanks to everyone that has called or come by the house. We appreciate your care and concern. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts, they mean so much.

Love to all, Mom

Mike's Birthday

Since we have had Hospice Mike's pain level has been at a 3, pretty good for someone who has been living with a constant 7. Dr. Gray immediately changed Mike's meds to 100 mg Fentenayl and a Diladid for break through pain. He has done so much better. Also we have a cream made from Halidol and Adivan which really relieves his nausea and calms him. We have had three pretty good days. So I'm a happy lady today.

We had pictures this morning across the street with a back ground of sagebrush. Mike got really cold and tired so we came in. We took more pictures inside I sure hope there are some good ones. With all the cute grandkids they ought to be great. The photographer is the same lady that took Crissy's wedding pictures and Marrit's family pictures. Grandp Rex came down and so we had some taken with him.

We were so cold when we came back to the house I made hot chocolate. Around lunch time Lindy fixed chili and with a united effort of Michelle (pie crust) Crissy and I, pie filling we had a great lunch. Lindy and Scott, Michelle and Marrit took the kids out to the hospital to a craft fair and Christmas tree exhibit. Brooklynn and Jaymie had their faces painted. Jaymie a cute Christmas puppy and Brooklynn a mermaid. They saw Santa Claus and Marrit said Brooklynn ran up to Santa and said, "Hi, I'm a mermaid." She told Santa she wanted Repunzel and a Repunzel tower and two bad guys. What fun grandkids, we had a wonderful day. Michelle brought fixings for tacos and cooked dinner for everyone tonight. We have amazing children. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Thanks to everyone once again for thoughts and prayers. Tina called tonight. It is so great to have friends who call just to say they care.

Love to all, Mom

Hospice

After some discussion and thought the kids and I decided it was time for Hospice. Although Mike can still get up to the bathroom it is getting harder and harder. Especially at night he needs someone to be with him. We have a walker but he forgets to use it. He has a catheter now but still needs to made many trips to the bathroom because of the diarrhea. Hospice can do a lot that Home Health can't. We loved our home health people but this is a time for doing what's best for Mike. They can do hydration here at home instead of me taking him out to the Infusion Center. They can get pain meds immediately through Dr. Gray who is over Hospice and he knows Mike's case.

We had been planning to have family pictures at Thanksgiving and we have moved it up to Mike's Birthday November 19th. I am torn about having pictures because Mike has gone down hill so fast. We weighed him last Monday and he was at 121 pounds. I've never seen him this low even after colon surgery. I talked with the Bishop last night and he suggested that we go ahead and take pictures then there will be no regrets later.

I found a sticky note from Mike yesterday that was on one of my book marks. It said
"I love you. Barbara you are my sunshine." He has always written me love letters and left me notes, I'm sure I have a drawer full that I've saved. Mike has always been a loving and caring husband, father, son and friend. I will always love him.

Things are progressing faster than I imagined and I had hoped for months if not years. I just don't want him to be in pain.

Love to all, thanks for thoughts and prayers that do so much to sustain us.

Mom

Heart Ache

What to say? Mike is not eating much and when I bring him something he stirs it around and eats a couple of bites. He's so very thin. His stomach hurts him all the time and he has severe cramping. He is back to taking a Diladid every two hours and a Percocet on the opposite two hours. He is at 50mg Fentenyl and is still having pain. My heart aches for him, my kids and his dad. He has gone to the Infusion Center Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and again today Sunday. The hydration keeps him going for about 12 hours. I am thankful for the port that makes it easier to receive the hydration. At some point in time hydration will may not be helpful.

Marrit and kids were here this last week except for a couple of days when she went to Mesquite. She left Friday and thinks she might come back on Wednesday. Scott and Lindy came yesterday and Lindy is staying tonight. It helps me to have someone else here. Michelle came down today with her kids this evening. The kids were having a rousing game of Monopoly in the bedroom. I could hear giggling and laughing every few minutes. I remember a lot of great Monopoly games when I was growing up. Ordinarily they would be here in the front room with us, but Mike needs it a little quieter now.

Curt came while Mike was at Infusion and we talked and cried. Mostly me, I try not to, but there are getting to be more times when I break down as I see Mike's suffering. I am trying to be tough but my emotions are too close to the surface. We all love him so much.
I know I thank everyone each time I write, but I am so thankful for everyone's thoughts and prayers. We feel them all.
Love to all, Mom

That Four Letter Word Hate

Mike got out of the hospital Sunday. He didn't feel real great and hasn't felt very good since. Monday he decided he didn't want to continue with chemo. It was a hard decision for him. Since beginning chemo he has not felt well at all. We are hoping that by stopping the chemo he will not be so sick. We pray for time to do some things he wants to do. He doesn't want to do anything great or expensive. He just wants to see the grandkids play sports or go to their concerts.

Today we went for labs and an appointment with Dr. Anwar. He told us that, "Chemo or no chemo, the goal for Mike is to make him as comfortable as possible." and "chemo or no chemo the tumor will grow." He made arrangements for Mike to have hydration on Mondays and Wednesdays at the Infusion Center. This was my biggest worry because in 2002 Mike had his colon removed and hydration has always been a problem.

After hydration we hurried home because I had my hair dresser (Meleese Bishop) come down and cut his hair. He was really exhuasted and eventually threw up. His stomach is still very upset and he doesnt' feel good at all.

I hate this. I hate that he feels so awful. I hate that he has this horrible disease and mad that there is basically nothing anyone can do. I hate the word cancer and I hate the word hate.

Keep praying for us inspite of my tirade. It's good to have a blog and sometimes it's good to say what you feel.

Love to all, Mom

Crystal Ball?

We were in midst of going to the Infusion Center for fill-ups because Mike had been having bad cramping and diarrhea. Even after two trips the the Center for fluid and potassium he got worse. At 2:30a Friday morning he was so bad he was disoriented and dehydrated. I knew I couldn't get him into the truck. I called Curtis and he came immediately. Curt picked him up like he was a small boy and carried him to his car. It was so tender, sad and loving.

They ran all the usual tests, blood cultures and chest x-rays. He had pneumonia again. Curtis stayed with me in the ER until it was time for him to go to work. Michelle came when she got to work. Marrit and kids came later that day and also Scott and Lindy. I was so happy to see them all. Thank heavans for my wonderful family. I don't know what I would do without them.

Mike responded really well to the antibiotics and breathing treatments. Dr. Gray said that he could come home tomorrow (Sunday). He needs one more round of antibiotics. The port-a-cath has been nice for that. Mike said he doesn't remember anything Thurday night or Friday morning. That is seriously ill. He is scheduled for chemo Wednesday November ninth. We both wonder about chemo. I'm sure every cancer patient does. Is it worth being so sick? A crystal ball would be helpful right now.

Love to all, thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. Mom

The Kids Have Fun

Scott, Lindy and kids went to the beach and to Disneyland. Scott said they had a great time but mom and dad were pooped. Brooklynn with black hair makes a beautiful Snow White and Parker makes a very good looking race car driver from "Cars."

Mike and I ,not so much fun. He was pretty sick Sunday, Monday and Tuesday so when we got to the oncologist he weighed 133 and looked and felt awful. He has really bad cramping and diarrhea. The doctor put off chemo, but sent him to the Infusion Center to get some fluid. They gave him potassium, magnesium and two units of fluid. He got the same today and will get the same tomorrow. He is scheduled for chemo on Nov. 9th. He is still really sick and hasn't eaten hardly anything. I know he's afraid to eat and yet we know he has to eat something. It's a rock and a hard place. I am going to try and see Dr. Anwar or the cancer coordinator. Is this the way it's going to be? Isn't there anything we can do? He is taking Imodium but it doesn't seem to stop the cramps or the diarrhea. I am hoping for answers and there doesn't seem to be any.